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I am sitting with a group of friends, one person speaks about the Big Boss reality show…. I’ve never seen one so I don’t comment. Then another talks about a restaurant serving delicious cat meat….some shrieked “eeuuwww”!
Someone says it’s not religious to eat pet animals….and on it goes….
I was feeling a sense of emotional and intellectual disconnect with these people who I care about and have known for ever….admittedly I was feeling a sense of intellectual loneliness.
It’s getting more and more common that at a party I find people wanting to talk about things that are completely forgettable after you leave the party….filling up the time by discussing the price of wine, the worth of a newest billionaire or wedding functions that out did the last one!
There’s nothing wrong with talking about wine or the equivalent
but after you’re done talking about that, what then?
Oftentimes when I get bored at such a gathering, I think of a quote,
“Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events,
and small minds discuss wine”!
Yes, I was feeling an emotional and intellectual disconnect!
I don’t know if it’s laziness of mind, cheap dopamine or something else
but it’s rare to meet someone with real interests whatever it may be.
Someone passionate about something….watching fireflies, dramatics,
climbing mountains or observing your breath and how it transforms
your mind or any impactful, powerful experience.
There are simply few people who are committed to experiences that make you
feel truly alive. I think it’s most likely because most people don’t want to be the
“odd man out” or don’t want to have FOMO.
In trying to understand social nuance, what I observed was that people
love to talk about how they feel but not about insights or
aspirations….that might reveal too much!
I found that most people talk about what comes in the category of ‘nothing’
and that is enough for most….so politics becomes a passionate excuse
to unleash the felt ‘rights and wrongs’
Then conversation is not about what is said or what is gained but about how
it makes one feel. I realize that what people really want to feel is accepted
and the more they feel this way it matters not what they discuss.
So the easiest way to feel this is to avoid the risk of discord or any disagreement.
The trick is to observe what others are doing and follow along!
To make people feel good all you have to do is avoid matters of substance….
and so social interactions become more about appeasement.
This might seem arrogant or an exercise in superiority but it isn’t so.
It’s more an acknowledgement of the unique challenges which are faced
by people who seek to transcend the superficial.
It’s not that one rejects the company of others but yearns for companionship
that is not just ‘small talk’….which feels like a foreign language, so they prefer
their own company and choose to become solitary.
I am reminded of a quote from Jung,
“Loneliness does not come from having no people about one,
but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important
to oneself, or holding certain views which others find inadmissible.”
So in essence, when we are able to express ourselves truthfully,
we can authentically connect with each other.
In any instance, BE YOURSELF….its better to be hated for who you are
than being admired for a facade!
Cheers!
Until next time….
Ritu Malhotra
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