'To truly understand the basis of revenge is to recognize it as a cry of hurt, anger, and betrayal, a call for healing rather than retaliation’
We’ve all read a lot about revenge, if not experienced it ourselves.
Some even say revenge can be sweet.
So let me start with a famous story we’ve all heard of the Jallianwala Bagh massacre in 1919.
It was during the Baisakhi festival in Punjab. Col Dyer opened fire which killed more than 1000 innocent people. It was later found out that the person who actually gave the order was the Gov of Punjab, Michael O’Dwyer. He was the main reason behind this terrible, heart rendering massacre.
So, Udham Singh who was a teenager happened to see this incident.
He carried that in his heart. And almost 28 yrs later he followed this Col and shot him in London in 1940. He didn’t try to escape and was immediately arrested. It took him that long to avenge the death of his countrymen.
There are many such incidents we’ve all heard.
In Indian mythology too we know about Draupadi who wanted to take revenge against the Kauravas who had humiliated her in front of the whole court.
From Shakespeare to mythology much has been written, read and heard about revenge.
And yes, we’ve always thought revenge to be normal and predictable.
It is possibly the deepest instinct that we have.
But the point I want to emphasize is that revenge is a double edged sword, it affects the giver and the receiver.
We’ve often heard- “I hope he gets his just desserts” wishing karma would strike the one who hurt us.
And recently I read something on revenge that stayed with me…
“Revenge is not always sweet, once it is consummated the avenger feels inferior to the victim.”
Think about it, when we are hurt or betrayed most of us believe that if the other one suffers, then they will feel better and the emotional pain will lessen.
But viewing so much data and experiments we have learned that those that take revenge and those that don’t get an opportunity for it, say that in fact revenge made them less happy.
Now, why would that be?
We would normally presume that revenge would be satisfying but experimenters have found that any act of revenge also comes with a lot of rumination.
The negative self talk says, “I wish I could have just walked out and cut him out of my life! I should have not just insulted him but beaten him up too.”
So if it hurts both people involved why do people still have such a strong urge for revenge?
I have found that the most vengeful reactions tend to be provoked when someone feels that their honour or identity is threatened, like religion or the honour killings in parts of India.
These are felt deeply and a violation of social and moral norms.
It’s like one’s sense of safety is threatened.
Whatever may be the reason, revenge ultimately doesn’t make the avenger feel better.
It may be an initial intoxicating rush but, people feel far less satisfied after they take revenge than they imagined.
I have found that rather than inflicting suffering what people want is remorse from the person who wronged them and a heartful apology, of course it’s not always likely than one would get that.
What is really important is something which I know requires us to be superhuman.
To understand that the basis of revenge is a feeling of hurt, anger and betrayal.
It’s not easy to put yourself in another’s shoes when you’ve been wronged.
But what could help is to remind yourself that even though you aren’t in control of the situation or the other person, you are in control of your emotional response.
I had once done an exercise with a client.
✨ I asked her to write down her anger, using all the expertise she wanted, put it all out there.
✨ Then rip up the paper with all the energy she would have used with the OTHER.
✨ And throw it away.
✨ Then take a deep breath or several deep breaths.
It’s releasing!
There is a healthy way to deal with these feelings that can help you heal
and give your brain the same amount of rewards, without the consequences.
So the next time you feel the dark claws of revenge creeping into your soul,
take the same intensity and put it in success, put it towards movement, towards your goals, put your energy in hustling to get what you want.
Put it towards growth!
“The strongest revenge is found not in inflicting pain, but in transforming the energy into success and growth”
Cheers!
Until next time….
Ritu Malhotra
ritulifecoach@gmail.com
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