“Anyone can become angry, that is easy, but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right reason, in the right way _ that is not easy” ~ Aristotle
We don’t all agree with Aristotle, not because we’re modern in our concepts and he wrote this 2000 years ago, but because today we consider anger as a destructive emotion. Anger, we think, wrecks relationships and ruins careers. So, we focus on the ‘control’ of anger.
Actually, what we want to control, manage or avoid is the pain we anticipate that anger will cause.
In our present culture of positivity, anger has got a bad name. In truth anger is neither positive nor negative…. anger simply is. It is an important emotion that deserves our attention and respect.
But most of us have little experience using our anger as a vehicle for positive change. Instead, we silence our anger or vent it in a way that leaves us feeling helpless and powerless…. this misses the real issue underneath the ‘difficult’ emotion.
So often we march off in a huff, not knowing the cause of what we’re feeling. For example, a wife and mother-in-law are slugging it out while the man decides to stay out of the ring. On the face of it the intensity is between the two women, but the real issue is that the husband is unable to take a position or be willing to mediate a solution.
Anger is a tricky emotion _ it signals something is wrong, but it doesn’t tell us what or how to approach the problem. It simply encourages us to identify the true source of our anger in relationships that are stuck in too much distance and pain.
When we look deeper, we can see that the angry person is aiming to get something, and they are encouraged by their desire to get it. Every angry person wants to say they are in pain…. perhaps rejected or threatened or feel they will lose what they love. And, yes, we all want to feel safe, have satisfaction in life and most importantly feel a deeper sense of connection…that is universal.
We don’t like anger to display itself because it’s uncomfortable and we were taught to be ’nice’ kids and since we were never taught how to express these emotions in a healthy way, we only know how to express it as a dysfunctional emotion.
Anger has a bad reputation when compared to happiness or enthusiasm and other positively labelled expressions. And most importantly, we probably aren’t aware that every emotion has a polar opposite….so where there is anger it is only fair to say that there’s invigoration, and awareness too, lurking somewhere on the other side. But this is not universally known…for instance, do we know the opposite side of anger is ‘willingness’, which is an interest in doing, acting or feeling differently?
Yes, we feel anger because at that moment we’re not willing to be receptive to any other alternative. We’re, most likely, feeling inadequate, to encourage ourselves to refresh with more positive choices. Instead, we succumb to the seething fire within and when nothing else works, we get hysterical about what others won’t do or won’t give us what we want!
At these moments of helpless fury, I say, shift focus _ literally turn your head and see the other side…be receptive to what else can be done.
The whole point is to not act on the emotion you’re feeling. Just experience the feeling. When you can feel an emotion and not act on it, you have greater power and control over yourself and situations. You will also realise that your vocabulary stretches beyond four-letter words!!
I can suggest a few simple ways to shift focus….
Step 1: Don’t deny or suppress an emotion…there’s no right or wrong emotion.
Step 2: Dig deeper to identify the real cause.
Step 3: Consider it as a challenge as opposed to a threat.
Step 4: Identify what you desire as an outcome and take steps towards it.
Step 5: Instead of venting, view it as an opportunity to improve and learn.
Happy learning!
Until next time…
Cheers!
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