Childhood, for each of us, is interesting, in part beautiful and crazy, eventful, adventurous, perplexing, confusing, painful and even hurtful….impactful nevertheless. Childhood sets the blueprint for us to be imperfectly perfect….it leaves us no option to be anything else.
Throughout life, most of us behave like sailing yachts _ far too much in one direction or the other. We are too timid or too assertive, too rigid or too accommodating, excessively material or lackadaisical, obsessed with sex or nervous of our sexuality. Whatever the imbalances maybe they come at a huge cost to us that shows up in the inability to use our potential leading to living an unsatisfied life.
Why does this happen? Because we think we’re prisoners of our emotional histories and we can never change them. “That’s just the way I am”, we often declare! It isn’t up for enquiry or introspection.
Psychology has helped us define the origin of these feelings into a category called ‘primal wounds’. An event happened a long time ago and knocked us off a fulfilling path in life and we still react to that pain exactly the way we did as a kid. When we react hysterically if someone contradicts us, when we try to micromanage our own life or those of others around us, or even when we walk away from kind relationships….these are all symptomatic of the primal wounds that exist in memory within us.
Like the foundation of a house our childhood experiences are the foundation on which the rest of our house is built. And if the foundation is shaky, if it has emotional cracks and wounds, they affect the structure of our adult lives.
Each of us has a story we walk out of childhood with _ our father’s dictatorship, parents always arguing, abusive sibling, grandmother’s vile or wisdom or the teacher from hell. So many tender stories too, filled with the kindness of a friend sharing a toy, or the loneliness of changing a new school or grandad listening when you lost a friend…all these memories reinforce our sense of why we are the way we are NOW.
We all carry emotional wounds learned in the growing up process, like when we were criticised, felt neglected, not heard or not appreciated these wounds seeped deeper in memory. Then we attempt to cope with these and develop coping styles that we carry into adult relationships, by referring to past memory for how we should behave. What we have learned from the traumas of our lives becomes our guide.
We instinctively, though most times subconsciously, decide how to protect ourselves from future pain….whether by building a wall of dislike or anger, not trusting, trying to be perfect in the hope that others don’t leave. All these behaviours, or coping styles, come together to make the person we are today.
My point is that even though these are all learned behaviours and therefore survival styles, they are not permanent; they can be changed. If there are cracks and gaps, as there are in every life, they can be repaired. The challenge for each of us is to notice and be aware of the triggers and to upgrade our software. But how, you’d ask?
I have a few suggestions…
First: accept it! Recognise the impact your past programming has had. So by being aware you are not helplessly on auto-pilot.
Second: unravel your past and gain insight into the source of your wounds. This way you can separate the past from the present and also reduce its harmful, limiting effect.
Third: Take small steps towards slowing down and calming your emotional reactions…listen to your wants rather than your ‘shoulds’. This will allow you to state your needs calmly.
Fourth: Decide who you want to be.
I know, I know it’s easier said than done. When your fears are starting to take up a lot of your mental space, when you’re disturbed or stressed its time to take note _ notice how your concerns are impacting your behaviour and your relationships. And, most importantly, you can rest easy knowing that there are ways to seek help and move beyond your fears.
That’s exactly why therapists, counsellors and coaches exist!
GET HELP!
Comments
Post a Comment