The Pleasure and Value of Authentic Conversations



“If you are your authentic self, you have no competition.”

I was in 7th grade when the teacher said that someone very important was coming to see us. At that stage of our lives we weren’t interested in anyone sermonising us, let alone talking to us. From past experience we knew it meant sitting through a boring and tedious monologue. The gentleman came into the class and greeted us randomly, walking around with a smile, “How are you? How’s it going?” We all answered with “Hmm, ok” because we felt he didn’t really want any real answers from us...he was merely doing his thing, not listening to us. This is where conversations die!
 
More in the same category are the proverbial, “What have you been up to?” “Oh, I’ve been so busy, don’t have a minute to come up for air!” Or “How’s the job doing?” Which usually gets the automatic, “Pretty good! Can’t complain.”
 
No conversation here....routine, robotic and self-protective. Relying on formatted questions and answers isn’t truly conversing.
 
Today, it’s a fact that while most of us spend a sizeable part of our lives communicating on every device and platform possible, we seem more separate and disconnected than ever...texting more than 100 times a day! We text more than we talk...we communicate through screens than we actually engage with each other.
 
The trouble with much of what passes for communication is not dialogue. A lot of the time we are firing salvos of information across the Internet or shooting each other text messages, or blog or twitter about ourselves. But is anyone paying attention? And if they are, are they interested for more than a few seconds?
 
Much of the time we’re not listening to each other. The noisy chatter reflects the fact that we’re losing the art of engaging with each other in authentic conversations. Maybe we never really learned the skill of listening closely to one another and sharing meaningful exchanges. Sharing a part of us that we want seen...the safe part...can never be deeper than the surface.
 
Why don’t we listen? I think it’s because we’d rather talk! When you’re talking you’re in control...then you don’t have to hear anything you’re not interested in. That way you can bolster your own ego and identity. The Buddha said, “if your mouth is open, you’re not listening!” It takes effort and energy to pay attention to someone....if you can’t do that you’re not in a conversation!
 
Real conversations require our full participation...and to do so we need to let our guard down; it’s the barrier that we build to protect ourselves and our image. None of us want to be seen as weak, vulnerable, ignorant, or even unhappy. To enter a genuine exchange, you need to drop the armour.
 
It all boils down to these few things ....

Be interested in other people! I mean be present when you’re with someone and be prepared to adjust your position based on what you hear...which means not presuming you know what they feel.
Don’t pontificate! Preachers can get very boring. The best way is to enter a conversation thinking that you have something to learn. True listening means setting aside your personal opinion...it’s the most important skill you can develop.
Be real. If you don’t know something say that you don’t know it. If someone is talking about a profound experience don’t immediately start talking about yours. You don’t have to prove you’re better...do your best not to insert yourself in the narrative.
Avoid the need to compete. Conversations should not be a promotional opportunity. People try to repeat themselves for impact. It’s condescending when your focus is on wanting to impress.


The truth is that we can’t manufacture authenticity. All we can do is to create an environment where genuine conversations are possible....for example, you cannot herd birds towards you...you plant flowers and you wait for them to come to you. Similarly, if you want to have authenticity in your relationships start by being attentive, transparent and vulnerable. This doesn’t guarantee that it will always happen because your partner also has to have the same goals in mind.
 
The more you seek to connect with others in an authentic way the more you will hone your skills of giving and receiving. You will learn to approach with patience and compassion. Over time these relationships will feel less like casual touch points and more like the authentic connections you desire.

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