The other day
I spoke to a friend about my confusion regarding judging and being critical of
others. I said I disagreed with the often heard statement _ “how we judge
others is how we judge ourselves”.
To me, a
classic Virgo personality, the cardinal sin that anyone around me can commit is
to live even a day, without purpose and meaning. My friend’s critique of me was
quite a revelation! He said that I am one of the most self-critical people he
knows; that every time I catch myself procrastinating or even lazing about, I
severely reprimand myself and quickly get back to my endless “to-do” list!
Whoa! I
really did live in constant and harsh judgment of myself?
So, much to
my dismay, I had to recognize that it’s true. The way you measure others is how
you measure yourself…and how you assume others measure you.
If you
measure your life by your family relationships then you will measure others by
the same standards. If they are distant from their family or don’t call home
enough, you’ll judge them as ungrateful, irresponsible regardless of their life
history. If your measure of life is fun and partying and someone else prefers
to stay home and watch T.V. you’ll judge them as inhibited, dull or simply
scared of socializing, regardless of their personality or needs.
Whether we
believe that everyone should find salvation through Jesus or decide on suicide
through bombing himself isn’t the issue _ the fact remains that
the yardstick we use for ourselves is the yardstick we use for the world.
Though the
more important point is that if I think that violence or malice or arrogance is
wrong, I ought to judge these within myself too. That would reflect who I am
and I would be making a conscious choice to discern and not make a judgment on
autopilot.
The times we
neglect conscious awareness and introspection are those where we view others
through our narrowed lens of self-judgment….if we think we’re lazy we’ll see
the way people cut corners as well; cheaters assume everyone else would cheat
if given the chance to do so; its why those who can’t trust are the ones who
can’t be trusted.
The
interesting point is that many of us adopt our own internal yardstick, not
through conscious choice but through the shaming we’re subjected to. As one of
my teachers said, “everyone is either trying to prove or disprove who they were
in high school,” because for many of us, our measure of ourselves is defined by
how people viewed us as we were growing up. We develop a fixation in any one area
of our lives because it’s the area we felt people judged us the most. For
example, the loser who throws the biggest parties, the slacker who wants to
prove how smart he is, or the pretty little girl who is obsessed about losing
her looks are all still in high school emotionally!
Most
judgments of others are ego strategies to avoid uncomfortable feelings.
However, if we lack the awareness of where they come from, they can lead to
more discomfort later on. Becoming aware of the nature of your judgments doesn’t
mean that you no longer have preferences. But with discernment, a deeper
understanding kicks in. Discernment means awareness without an emotional
response. Exercising discernment feels very different from getting your buttons
pushed. Judgments that cause emotional reactions are clues to help you find
personal insights and they can be a mirror to show you the workings of your own
mind; every person’s reflection can become a valuable gift, making each person
you encounter a teacher or a blessing.
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