When we think of an addict some common images come to mind…a disheveled loser, or a bum lying by the roadside, or a guy shooting a needle up his arm, or someone sneaking a smoke in a dark alley. We sigh deeply and flatter ourselves, “thank god! that’s not me!”
But there are far more amongst us that we could categories as addicted…in fact, look closely, are you compulsively reliant on coffee, food, sex, gaming, Internet, shopping or anything?? Anything??
Some of my clients have been affected by a variety of compulsions. One was denying a dysfunctional marriage by over eating…when he started therapy he ate every hour and was obese at 120kg. No doctor could convince or warn him of life-threatening consequences. Another client, a house call I made…as I rang the bell and stepped into the entry room I realized I couldn’t put my foot down! There was stuff everywhere…boxes, shoes, lamps, books, soaps, clothes and much, much more! The place was overflowing, stacked up to the ceiling with ‘stuff’. I jumped over piles of junk to find standing room. Would we classify these as addictions too?
Let’s look at the definition of addiction which says, “the manic reliance on anything in order to keep our pain away. All addictions are an attempt to regulate an internal, unbearable emotional state. A behavior that gives you temporary relief or pleasure but in the long run causes harm and one that you are unable to give up despite the negative consequences.”
Which means that it’s a way of providing solace by trying to balance an internal state by external means…which never really helps.
Instead of taking the moral high ground, we need to see addiction as a survival adaptation…a way of helping ourselves. It helps the person solve a problem he/she has no other solution for at the time. It’s an attempt to escape suffering and act out their desperation sometimes in dysfunctional ways like severe aggression or manipulation.
My point in this article is different though, it’s not what someone is addicted to but what’s the reason, the motive behind it. More importantly, what does it fulfil in their lives… what is it helping them avoid? Where is the pain they want to deflect?
Getting inside our own minds is an anxiety producing prospect which most of us avoid. We all have feelings we don’t wish to feel and thoughts we don’t want to entertain. It’s fearful because we would need to examine our disturbances and take responsibility for the beliefs we have about ourselves. We may need to ask ourselves why we stopped listening to our hearts and forced ourselves to develop poor coping strategies. Indeed, it takes a lot of courage to introspect.
Quite often people ask me if I can cure their loved ones, and I say I can’t ‘cure’ anyone. But what my work helps you do is heal from the trauma which underlies the addiction. We cannot understand the addiction without recognizing the trauma experienced in childhood.
The big factor in addressing addiction is STRESS! The impossible amounts of stress we have created in our lives. It’s not a behavior but our relationship to trauma, how we deal with stress.
Emotional stress causes us to feel out of control over our impulses, there’s a shut down of our pre-frontal cortex and we become robotic…only remembering the pleasurable feeling and seeking it again and again.
And when there’s no other recourse we resort to blame. Blame only helps us avoid responsibility for the moment and ultimately offers no solutions. It leads us into the abyss of a deep and vicious cycle
It’s now time to understand how it negatively impacts our relationships and every aspect of our lives. Most importantly it’s time to seek the path to recovery, bring balance back to your emotions, confront the real issue, accept and forgive yourself and choose health_ physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual.
And absolutely start any modality of therapy….choose a counsellor to discover the gifts that await you!
Until next time…
Cheers!
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