Belonging VS Fitting In
All those years of growing up, I felt out of place....like I didn’t belong. I didn’t feel part of the home I was born into, not the larger family, not really the school or even the city. I was told it’s ‘normal’....it’s the price of awkward adolescence, this constant odd-ness!
Much later I began to understand that belonging is extremely important for human development, but as kids we don’t quite know what this feeling would be....we only get messages that tell us that if we don’t fit in we’re not ‘good enough’ or worthy of acceptance and love.
When asked about belonging and feeling included some kids said, “when I belong I can be who I am but when I fit in I have to act like you” and another said, “ belonging is being in a place where you want to be and others want you too and fitting in is when you may want to be there but others don’t care one way or another.”
This desperation to belong makes us mirror the behavior of any dominant group in our environment. We, often unintentionally, alter our speech patterns, our expressions and even our tone of voice because we know that familiarity is the glue that binds people together. It’s a form of validation that we’re doing the right thing.
So, as a kid, I tried to fit in. Dress, act, talk and behave like them. Anything to be accepted...longing to hear, “you’re one of us. You can stay.” Naturally this made me present different editions of myself depending on my environment. And that is the genesis of the addiction to approval seeking...say ‘yes’ most of the time and be the good girl as you’re supposed to be.
It took many painful years to realise that ‘fitting in’ is about trying to adapt to a world that is not mine, I don’t belong there where I was trying so hard to be a part of.
It’s really important to know that this sense of belonging is fundamental to the way we organise ourselves. If it was unimportant we would live solitary lives possibly only procreating and then kicking the kids out as soon as they could walk! Even most animals don’t do that!
The hard reality we all must face is that we’ll never fit in where we don’t belong. Belonging is, simply, about inhabiting the world as the real you.
So how can we do that?
We do that when we make waves, disturb, make a stink and challenge the status quo! Be honest and proud of what and who you are....for the courage to stand out and be whoever you want to be. Those that vibe with your music will rock with you! Trying to fit in only moulds you into what you think others want to see and remember, you can’t force yourself into someone else’s skin for long.
Have the courage to dream...as they say if you can’t see it you can’t do it! But sometimes the dreams aren’t quite clear and honest...they get confused with wants and wishes. For the longest time I thought my accomplishment was a dream come true...being the best designer, the best cook, best homemaker, best landscape artist, best always-there-for-everyone....it’s was certainly exhausting but not something I really wanted to do. I wanted to study, learn, to delve into the mind and emotions, I wanted to inspire myself and others to live and be better....and the counselling began! I learned that belonging is all about actualising your potential through following the dreams of your heart.
So in a nutshell, be brave, be unique, be outrageous....dream big, dream small, just make sure you dream!
Until next time...
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